After the suicide of her daughter in February of 1997, Mary Lou Wallner found herself faced with a spiritual journey to try to comprehend the events of their stormy mother-daughter relationship and the implications of her refusal to accept Anna’s homosexuality. Her forthcoming book, Celebrating the Rainbow behind Every Cloud, is dedicated to every Evangelical Christian who has been taught to reject gay people, and to ban them from their church life... and to every gay person —more specifically, gay Christians, who have felt that pain of rejection and exclusion. (The editor)
I used to think that the only way to relate to gays was to confront them. I had no use for them. I didn’t understand them, and I was judgmental and arrogant. And then one day our lives were changed forever.
It was about 5:15 p.m. on December 8, 1988, I had just walked into the house from work with the mail in my hand. There was a letter from my daughter, Anna. I opened it with the pleasure of anticipation that
a mom feels when she hears from her daughter who is away at college. Her letter was dated December 4, 1988. She told me that lots had happened in her life with regard to her sexuality. She said she had fought long and hard to be comfortable and now she was. She said she was comfortable with women. She went on to say she loved me and hoped I wouldn’t try to change her. She said she loved God and knew He loved her.
On December 20, 1988, I answered her letter and told her I was devastated by what she had written. Please allow me to quote one paragraph from my letter to Anna:
“Undoubtedly the most difficult part of your letter was the gay thing. I will NEVER accept that in you. I feel it’s a terrible waste, besides being spiritually and morally wrong. For a reason I don’t quite fathom, I have a harder time dealing with that issue than almost anything in the world. I do, and will continue to love YOU, but I will always hate that, and will pray every day that you will change your mind and attitude.” What followed were more than 8 stormy years, at best. We had a few good times, but not many.
In mid-August 1996, I received a letter from Anna. She basically said she wanted nothing more to do with me. She said that I was her mother biologically only, that I had stolen her childhood from her, and that I had done colossal damage to her soul with my shaming words. She did not want me in her life, not then, maybe not ever.
I sought advice from a counselor, and several friends and family members. They all said the same thing: You must respect Anna’s wishes and give her the space she needs. That’s what I wanted to hear and that’s what I did.
I keep wondering what would have happened if, after receiving her letter, I had driven the 550 miles to her home and told her that I loved her no matter what. I didn’t do that. The worst part is that I’ll never be able to do that.
On February 28, 1997 at 10:00 p.m., I received a phone call from my ex-husband and Anna’s Dad. At about 4:00 p.m. that afternoon, Anna had been found hanging from the bar in her closet. She had been dead for 15 hours. It was ruled a suicide by the coroner — no autopsy, no note, no nothing — but days, weeks, months and years of pain and anguish.
I have heard it said that when a loved one dies of suicide, there is a sense of utter failure. I can identify with that. I did not love her unconditionally, even though I knew 1 Corinthians 13 well.
Among other things it says, “Love is patient...and kind. Love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs...It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Throughout these years, I have done a lot of soul searching to figure out just what part I played in Anna’s death. I have wrestled with who I am and how I treated my own flesh and blood.
I will always acknowledge the pain and tragedy of Anna’s suicide. Yet, her death brought me face-toface with the big lie I have been taught throughout my life by the church that ultimately led to her death, and to thousands of others: Love conditionally.
I have been transformed through a wonderful gift given to me by God: getting to know, understand, and love gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders. I am now proud to call myself an ally, and am honored to count these children of God among my closest and dearest friends. This new awareness has been supported through intense study of biblical passages, as well as continued dialogue with individuals on both sides of the issue.
Recently, I went to the curio cabinet that holds Anna’s pictures and dolphin collection. I said to her, “ I will never again treat a gay person the way I treated you. That’s a promise!”
After reading this, I hope you will take this message of unconditional love to heart. It may save a life dear to you.
